“Faith (eeman) is of two halves; half is patience (sabr), and half is being thankful (shukr).”
– Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya
Sabr and shukr are important virtues that are stressed in the Qur’an and ahadith. And, when we think about the challenges that came especially with the pandemic, these two have played a major role in making our adjustment to the new normal easier, Alhamdulillah.
Sabr is continuing with our daily tasks and responsibilities while following the rules that are being enforced given the new normal. It is remembering to take necessary pauses within the day when we feel overwhelmed so we can exhale. It is also doing the things that recharge us and, yes, reconnecting with The All-Powerful One Who sustains us. It is knowing that at times we need help, then acting on this knowledge so we can make things better for ourselves and our loved ones. Sabr is keeping in mind that though things may look dark right now, He indeed has promised us ease after every hardship. Yes, He has promised us ease after every hardship.
Shukr is the other half that can actually be quite elusive not just during difficult times but even (or should I say especially?) during happy times. How often do we reflect on that which has led us to say Alhamdulillah? Or do we even get to say it when something good comes our way? Since the pandemic started, remembering the blessings amidst all the challenges has helped a lot of us not just to simply survive but more importantly to thrive, Alhamdulillah.
Now, as parents, how do we instill in our children these virtues? We know for a fact that it can’t be enforced, right? That is, our children may seem to be demonstrating them when we sternly tell them to observe patience or to give thanks, but the truth can be that they’re simply obeying out of respect or fear. Well, below are just five tips to help us instill sabr and shukr in our children, bi’idhnillah:
- Practice it ourselves. Telling our children to practice these things won’t work if they can see that we don’t practice it ourselves. We need to remember that we are our children’s first role models. Thinking of giving up or walking out on them when they’re not in the mood to homeschool? Think again: these trying moments offer us an opportunity to teach them so many virtues and life skills. If we give up, walk out or shout, sooner or later we’ll be seeing the same behaviors manifested by our children when they encounter difficulties, na’udhubillah.
- Focus on the ‘process’ more than the ‘product’. Most, if not all, of us parents were exposed to an educational system that tends to promote competition and academic achievement more than social and emotional learning. Hence, we may also find ourselves focusing more on the ‘product’ (read: academic results), like our children memorizing the multiplication table or getting a perfect score on a test. We can change this culture by focusing more on the process: Begin with a supplication to help our children develop taqwa (consciousness of Allah). Appreciate the progress they’re making and give thanks to Allah (“Look, subhanAllah, we were just on table 2 yesterday, now we’re on 4, Alhamdulillah!”). Discuss with them what works and what doesn’t for them–this helps them become more aware of how their mind works and identify effective learning strategies). Praise them for their patience and discipline to perform or finish a task (“That’s hard, but you’re getting there! You’re really growing in patience, mashaAllah tabarakallah”). And, when our children do not get good exam grades despite all efforts, let them express how they feel about it, validate and normalize it, then appreciate the efforts and virtues they demonstrated while reassuring them that grades do not in any way lessen our love for them (“Qadarallaah, I understand that you’re really sad about it; after all, we did practice a lot. It’s normal to feel sad, ok? Let’s practice more, ok? Now listen, I don’t want you to ever forget that I’m really proud of you for giving it your best and doing it honestly, mashaAllah tabarakallah that’s a perfect score for me right there.”)
- Set schedules and stick to it. Consult with each other and set daily schedules. Schedules help us and our children develop patience through performing agreed upon tasks even if they may not particularly like it, and through delaying gratification (like daily 15- or 30-minute gadget use only after class schedules, or movies on weekends). If we think about it, Allah has already hinted the importance of a schedule by setting prayer times for us and by informing us that He has already set an appointed time for everything.
- Have shukr moments. Aside from performing salah and making du’a with them, let us help our children develop shukr by making it a daily habit (yes, not just a once-a-week or “whenever-I-remember” task) to mention different bounties around and within us that Allah has sent. Even when discussing a technical topic, let us not forget to connect it to the attributes of Allah and to thank Him for giving us intellect to learn and ponder on these things. Also develop the habit of thanking people for their help in any form; it’s sunnah. Oh, do you ponder on the day that was and the blessings within it with your children before they go to sleep? It can be a hilarious, enlightening, and refreshing experience to hear them share not just their highs and lows but more importantly what made them say Alhamdulillah most that day.
- Shukr and Amal Salih List. Some families have a habit of doing a life assessment and planning monthly, biannually, or annually. It’s really up to you to decide which one will work for your family best. But the idea is, aside from the traditional assessment, goal-setting and action planning, it would be nice to guide our children to becoming more conscious of Allah’s bounties and our corresponding responsibilities by inviting them to list in one column (with the title, “Alhamdulillah for…”) everyone and everything which they are thankful for and in another column (with the title, “In shaa Allah, I will…”) their plan of action (i.e, how they will treat or utilize) for each of these bounties. Example: Alhamdulillah for…food; In shaa Allah I will…not get more than what I can finish. Just like life coaching, however, it may be best to have a weekly or bi-monthly discussion with each child (especially for younger ones who might need more monitoring and guidance) about their plans and any setback or challenges they are encountering.
You may be practising some of the above already, or perhaps even have more strategies in mind. Our goal is to implement them with sincerity, consistency and compassion, in shaa Allah.
Mu’adh (رضي الله عنه) reported: The Messenger of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) took hold of my hand and said, “O Mu’adh! By Allah I love you, so I advise you to never forget to recite after every prayer:
اللَّهُمَّ أَعِنِّي عَلَى ذِكْرِكَ، وَشُكْرِكَ، وَحُسْنِ عِبَادَتِكَ
“Allâhumma a’innî alâ dhikrika, wa shukrika, wa husni ‘ibâdatika.
(O Allah, help me remember You, to be grateful to You, and to worship You in an excellent manner.)
[Abu Dawud] [Book 16, Hadith 1422]