“Eh you’re the one who’s making it (the reward) big.”

This was my daughter’s reply when I told her that perhaps her rewards in the akhira (the Hereafter) are much more than mine already because she started reading the Qur’an at an early age. It was actually my last attempt at motivating her to finish her daily one-page reading assignment because my patience was already running low.

It made me pause, subhanAllah.

I believe a lot of parents can relate to the reality that while we do make plans for ourselves, something always gets in the way. And while we may be able to have a quick “me time”, it almost always takes a lot of effort on our part to make the little ones give us that time, right? Not to mention the other responsibilities we have at home. It can really be overwhelming. And the idea that our own personal plans took (and are taking) a backseat can lead to frustration. I’m not able to accomplish anything! But then, she, in all her innocence, said, “Eh you’re the one who’s making it (the reward) big.” It made me remember how honored parents are in Islam, subhaanallaahi wa bihamdihi.

Have you ever realized how automatic it is for us to place ourselves in the background—so much so that we don’t even see ourselves in our children’s progress and successes? Yes, this auto mode may have its downside but before I talk about how to address that, let me just say that it can also be a means to protect our intentions, wallaahu a’lam. The love and compassion He’s placed within us make us think that what we’re doing is just for our children’s benefit when, in reality, He could be preserving our sincerity and helping us gain His pleasure through selfless acts to take care of those whom He’s entrusted to us.

Now, the downside of this auto mode for humans like us (Yes! We moms and dads are humans no matter how much our kids think of us as superheroes), whose faith fluctuates, is that we may feel like we’re not accomplishing anything. And this only stresses us out even more. The dangerous part is that we might abandon our plans altogether.

Breathe. Take a pause. Perhaps there’s a need to re-strategize and re-assess how we view things.

To avoid abandoning plans altogether, why not tone down plans for some activities which we’ve considered as the only acts of worship? I’m not saying choose the Qur’an over salah or vice versa. These are essentials. Let’s still perform these to the best that we can and as much as we can BUT also assess what you can realistically perform while taking care of the family. What’s your monthly Qur’an reading goal, for example? Continue to have a good plan, with faith that He will make things easy for you, but also be realistic by considering the time you need to focus on your child and work. 

Another thing to consider is what we view as worship. With the right intentions, in shaa Allah all these seemingly meaningless acts that we do daily to keep our homes intact can count as worship also and, therefore, may gain us rewards, bi’idhnillah. There’s no point in trying to do so much to meet our original set goals while becoming grumpy, detached, and drained in the process. I’m behind my target, yes, but should I get frustrated? What did my daughter say again? SubhanAllaah. 

You still might think worship just refers to salah, Qur’an reading, making du’aa and dhikr, and helping our children do all these things. However, it can also actually involve everything we do for them. I remember the hadith,

Abu Qatadah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, The best of what a man leaves behind are three: a righteous child who supplicates for him, on-going charity the reward of which reaches him, and knowledge that is acted upon after him. (Sunan Ibn Mājah 237)

When we reflect on this hadith, we must realize that everything we do for our children can help shape their character as righteous Muslims, bi’idhnillah. The conversations and play times, the prayer times (even when our khushoo most probably flew out the window with the dancing or laughter of those little muslims-in-progress beside us), the books we read with them, the assistance we give them in their lessons, the meals we cook for them, the shared naps and walks, the hugs and kisses, the halal income we spend on all that is halal, the time that we spend as well making sure we are taking care of ourselves (seriously, this will help them value self-care, too!), the intention and attitude we have when we do these home essentials—all these are critical. And you know what? All the good things we do as parents (with the right intentions) are also considered on-going charity and knowledge acted upon, in shaa Allah. Imagine being able to raise a righteous child who then influences others around him/her to stay on the Path and do good, in shaa Allah. 

So pause and remember: we are accomplishing something meaningful daily by taking care of our family and by taking care of ourselves through realistic plans of actions—always for His sake.

May Allah swt accept all our efforts to care for our homes, guide and strengthen us in our quest to raise righteous Muslims, and grant us in Jannah a home with our families right next to our beloved Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam). Ameen.

Ramadan is just around the corner (in shaa Allah!), but it appears like we are  most likely to spend this much-awaited month the way we did last year: on community quarantine. 

Yes, it is normal to feel sad, perhaps even frustrated; after all, we miss the traditional gatherings for iftar and even taraweeh. If this is difficult for us grownups, what more for our children who need a lot of outdoor time and interactive play for their development, right?

Below are some tips to make the most of Ramadan with our families even when there’s a pandemic.

Teach the kids the reasons why we have to follow the enforced community quarantines.  Often, allowing our children to understand the why’s makes it easier for them to follow rules. And we’re not talking about the ‘because the government says so’ or ‘because the IATF says so’ reply, which honestly may just leave them even more frustrated. A better way would be to explain to our children how staying at home is connected to our responsibilities as Muslims:

• Protection of one’s life – Allah has given us life, and part of our responsibility (and worship) is to value and care for our lives as much as we can in a way that is pleasing to Him. This is not just about eating halal and avoiding grave sins such as suicide, but also refraining from habits and daily activities that would put our life and well-being in danger. We all know that the new strains of the coronavirus are more infectious and that our healthcare system is already overwhelmed. Imagine if we get infected because of our own reckless behavior and no hospital would accept us and no out-patient treatment options available, na’udhubillah (we seek refuge in Allah). Thus, we must do everything we can to protect ourselves while trusting in Him. Staying at home and avoiding social gatherings while maintaining excellent personal (and spiritual) hygiene is the best we can do right now to protect ourselves from this pandemic and to show Allah that we are grateful to Him for the life that we have.

• Communal identity and responsibility – It is not just about our own lives, actually. It’s about the people around us, too. Have you noticed how Islam promotes and gives importance to unity and brotherhood? We are people of the shahada (i.e., we believe that there is no god but Allah and that Prophet Muhammad [peace and blessings be upon him ﷺ] is His Messenger ), and as people making up one ummah, Allah encourages us to connect with one another in so many ways: He rewards us more when we perform salah in congregation in most cases, He considers each act of kindness as sadaqah (charity) and rewards us for it, He makes zakat (alms-giving) a pillar of Islam which helps strengthen ties of people across socioeconomic classes, He makes us realize through sawm (fasting) the hardship endured by those who can barely have one good meal a day, and He invites us to perform Hajj which again gives us an opportunity to see how one we are regardless of race, gender and age, subhanAllah! Reflecting on and learning from these acts, we should see that staying at home during a pandemic is part of our identity and responsibility as Muslims. By obeying the protocols and going out only if truly needed, we are protecting not just ourselves and our families but others, too. Imagine if we infect others because we attended risky gatherings: what will happen to them? What will happen to their families? What will happen to their colleagues? How sure are we that we did not trespass the rights of our brothers and sisters?

• Reviving a sunnah – Narrated Saud: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “If you hear of an outbreak of plague in a land, do not enter it; but if the plague breaks out in a place while you are in it, do not leave that place.” At a time when a lot of people have become heedless, staying at home and avoiding moving from one place to another during a pandemic can be considered an act of reviving this forgotten sunnah. In shaa Allah we will be rewarded for observing this, and whenever we’re able to encourage someone else to perform it, we’ll be rewarded, too! We love the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), right? So why not follow his ways?

If we connect staying at home with our responsibilities as Muslims and perform it with the ultimate intention of seeking Allah’s pleasure, imagine how much gain we are making all throughout Ramadan, in shaa Allah! 

Conduct SHURA (Consultation). As part of regular family consultations, why not gather the kids before Ramadan to reflect on last year’s Ramadan and discuss what to repeat (what did they love most in last year’s Ramadan activities?), what to avoid and/or improve (what should be removed in the list of activities or what could be done better?), and what to add (do they have new ideas or have they seen some interesting activities online which they’d like to try this year?). This consultation can also be a good opportunity to engage them in a discussion on the relationship of Ramadan to taqwa (piety) and all the other virtues related to it (e.g, frugality, patience, discipline, steadfastness). 

Establish schedules and routines. Schedules and routines help us cope better during challenging times. They lessen our tendency to be alone with boredom, sadness, fear or anger, as we become preoccupied with other tasks. Some adjustments may be made especially for young ones who’ve just started fasting, but making sure that there is a schedule or a daily routine will help us and our children make the most of this fruitful month, in shaa Allah. If we can again connect these routines with the different roles we play daily and the importance of having them, sticking to them may just become easier, too, in shaa Allah.

Encourage an AMAL SALIH list. Knowing how much we can earn for the Hereafter during the month of Ramadan, let’s encourage our children to make their own daily checklist of good deeds. Come up with a surprise reward system that takes into account their expressed intention to perform it (especially for the little ones who often say they’re going to fast yet still find it physiologically and mentally hard), their efforts, and their actual accomplishments every week. Aside from individual lists, why not come up with a group checklist, too? Salah and taraweeh at home? Qur’an and hadith memorization? Getting to know the anbiya (prophets) and the sahaba (companions of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ)? Cooking and sponsoring a neighbor’s iftar? The list goes on…

Involve them in the ‘EID’L FITR preparations. Yes, there might not be any house-hopping and ‘Eid parties again this year, but it’s not an excuse to not make this special day a beautiful and memorable occasion for the whole family. Again, engage the whole family in planning and preparing for ‘Eid.  What are their ideas? For those who have homeschoolers, making ‘Eid decors can be both Art class and family bonding time. And on ‘Eid day itself, some have online parties through video conference calls (hey, it is the age of Zoom, Google Meet, and FB Messenger Rooms anyway!) while others have indoor games at home. Oh, may I suggest that we surprise our children with those old-fashioned letters or cards in which we get to tell them how proud we are of the Muslim/Muslimah they’ve become (and continue to become) as they sail through trying times with faith? (You get the idea, right?)

These are just some tips which we pray you find beneficial, in shaa Allah. May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala reward you for your patience and efforts in making your children conscious of and closer to Him, especially during these trying times. Ameen. 

اَللّهُمَّ بَارِكْ لَنَا فِى شَعْبَانَ وَ بَلِّغْنَا رَمَضَان 

O, Allah! Bless us in Sha’ban and allow us to reach Ramadan.

Ameen.

“Faith (eeman) is of two halves; half is patience (sabr), and half is being thankful (shukr).”

– Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya

Sabr and shukr are important virtues that are stressed in the Qur’an and ahadith. And, when we think about the challenges that came especially with the pandemic, these two have played a major role in making our adjustment to the new normal easier, Alhamdulillah.

Sabr is continuing with our daily tasks and responsibilities while following the rules that are being enforced given the new normal. It is remembering to take necessary pauses within the day when we feel overwhelmed so we can exhale. It is also doing the things that recharge us and, yes, reconnecting with The All-Powerful One Who sustains us. It is knowing that at times we need help, then acting on this knowledge so we can make things better for ourselves and our loved ones. Sabr is keeping in mind that though things may look dark right now, He indeed has promised us ease after every hardship. Yes, He has promised us ease after every hardship.

Shukr is the other half that can actually be quite elusive not just during difficult times but even (or should I say especially?) during happy times. How often do we reflect on that which has led us to say Alhamdulillah? Or do we even get to say it when something good comes our way? Since the pandemic started, remembering the blessings amidst all the challenges has helped a lot of us not just to simply survive but more importantly to thrive, Alhamdulillah. 

Now, as parents, how do we instill in our children these virtues? We know for a fact that it can’t be enforced, right? That is, our children may seem to be demonstrating them when we sternly tell them to observe patience or to give thanks, but the truth can be that they’re simply obeying out of respect or fear. Well, below are just five tips to help us instill sabr and shukr in our children, bi’idhnillah:

• Practice it ourselves. Telling our children to practice these things won’t work if they can see that we don’t practice it ourselves. We need to remember that we are our children’s first role models. Thinking of giving up or walking out on them when they’re not in the mood to homeschool? Think again: these trying moments offer us an opportunity to teach them so many virtues and life skills. If we give up, walk out or shout, sooner or later we’ll be seeing the same behaviors manifested by our children when they encounter difficulties, na’udhubillah.

• Focus on the ‘process’ more than the ‘product’. Most, if not all, of us parents were exposed to an educational system that tends to promote competition and academic achievement more than social and emotional learning. Hence, we may also find ourselves focusing more on the ‘product’ (read: academic results), like our children memorizing the multiplication table or getting a perfect score on a test. We can change this culture by focusing more on the process: Begin with a supplication to help our children develop taqwa (consciousness of Allah). Appreciate the progress they’re making and give thanks to Allah (“Look, subhanAllah, we were just on table 2 yesterday, now we’re on 4, Alhamdulillah!”). Discuss with them what works and what doesn’t for them–this helps them become more aware of how their mind works and identify effective learning strategies). Praise them for their patience and discipline to perform or finish a task (“That’s hard, but you’re getting there! You’re really growing in patience, mashaAllah tabarakallah”). And, when our children do not get good exam grades despite all efforts, let them express how they feel about it, validate and normalize it, then appreciate the efforts and virtues they demonstrated while reassuring them that grades do not in any way lessen our love for them (“Qadarallaah, I understand that you’re really sad about it; after all, we did practice a lot. It’s normal to feel sad, ok? Let’s practice more, ok? Now listen, I don’t want you to ever forget that I’m really proud of you for giving it your best and doing it honestly, mashaAllah tabarakallah that’s a perfect score for me right there.”)

• Set schedules and stick to it. Consult with each other and set daily schedules. Schedules help us and our children develop patience through performing agreed upon tasks even if they may not particularly like it, and through delaying gratification (like daily 15- or 30-minute gadget use only after class schedules, or movies on weekends). If we think about it, Allah has already hinted the importance of a schedule by setting prayer times for us and by informing us that He has already set an appointed time for everything.

• Have shukr moments. Aside from performing salah and making du’a with them, let us help our children develop shukr by making it a daily habit (yes, not just a once-a-week or “whenever-I-remember” task) to mention different bounties around and within us that Allah has sent. Even when discussing a technical topic, let us not forget to connect it to the attributes of Allah and to thank Him for giving us intellect to learn and ponder on these things. Also develop the habit of thanking people for their help in any form; it’s sunnah. Oh, do you ponder on the day that was and the blessings within it with your children before they go to sleep? It can be a hilarious, enlightening, and refreshing experience to hear them share not just their highs and lows but more importantly what made them say Alhamdulillah most that day.

• Shukr and Amal Salih List. Some families have a habit of doing a life assessment and planning monthly, biannually, or annually. It’s really up to you to decide which one will work for your family best. But the idea is, aside from the traditional assessment, goal-setting and action planning, it would be nice to guide our children to becoming more conscious of Allah’s bounties and our corresponding responsibilities by inviting them to list in one column (with the title, “Alhamdulillah for…”) everyone and everything which they are thankful for and in another column (with the title, “In shaa Allah, I will…”) their plan of action (i.e, how they will treat or utilize) for each of these bounties. Example: Alhamdulillah for…food; In shaa Allah I will…not get more than what I can finish. Just like life coaching, however, it may be best to have a weekly or bi-monthly discussion with each child (especially for younger ones who might need more monitoring and guidance) about their plans and any setback or challenges they are encountering.

You may be practising some of the above already, or perhaps even have more strategies in mind. Our goal is to implement them with sincerity, consistency and compassion, in shaa Allah.

Mu’adh (رضي الله عنه) reported: The Messenger of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) took hold of my hand and said, “O Mu’adh! By Allah I love you, so I advise you to never forget to recite after every prayer:

اللَّهُمَّ أَعِنِّي عَلَى ذِكْرِكَ، وَشُكْرِكَ، وَحُسْنِ عِبَادَتِكَ

“Allâhumma a’innî alâ dhikrika, wa shukrika, wa husni ‘ibâdatika.

(O Allah, help me remember You, to be grateful to You, and to worship You in an excellent manner.)

[Abu Dawud] [Book 16, Hadith 1422]

November 2020 will mark the 28th observance of the National Children’s Month with the Department of Education joining the Council for the Welfare of Children and other government agencies in this event, in shaa Allah. As the nation observes National Children’s Month, let’s take this as an opportunity to reflect on our role as duty-bearers. After all, to have children is not just a blessing, but more importantly a responsibility and a test for us believers. Our children have been entrusted to us by Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala; hence, it is important to constantly ask ourselves, “How are we protecting this trust?”

One thing that has often been overlooked, or given less attention, in parenting is how we, parents, become our children’s safe space. We’re often focused on working hard towards meeting their basic physiological and academic needs that we tend to forget that equally important is their need to feel emotionally safe and secure. We’ve touched  a little on this topic when we talked about parent-child relations in our previous post, Caring Connections. Here, we’ll be presenting some C’s to consider as we try to become our children’s safe space, especially in our ever-changing and ever-challenging society.

Caring for and Checking Ourselves 

To constantly care for ourselves is a must if we want to raise healthy children. Aside from our children copying our lifestyles and worldviews, we also need to be aware that the challenges we face that do not get addressed (e.g, lack of sleep, health problems, worries, suppressed emotions) affect how we treat our children. More often than not, children are at the receiving end of all these stressors–it is on them that we tend to displace all our anxieties and frustrations. Thus, there is a need to commit ourselves to caring for and protecting our own well-being. This does not, however, mean that we have to wait for ourselves to be 100% okay or problem-free before we deal with our children—realistically, there is no such thing, right? (Whether we’re having a good day or not, our children will need us.) What self-care means is acknowledging how we feel, exhaling it in a healthy way, and finding ways to adaptively cope—which definitely includes taking occasional pauses within the day to do what personally re-energizes us, sharing how we feel to those whom we trust, asking for and accepting help.

Still related to ourselves, another important routine is to do self-checks: 

Check if our actions are connected to our individual and family goals. Remember: the challenges will often change, but as long as our why’s are clear, it becomes easier for us to come up with and implement our plan of actions to address the challenges. 

Check if we are communicating the right values. We often talk about character as being more important, but how do we show this in our daily lives? How do we handle our own children’s academic weaknesses and limitations? Check if we are not letting our children inherit wrong values or ways that we wanted to change in the first place. 

Check our default settings, I often say. For instance, we may not be able to avoid raising our voices or saying “No! (period!)” at times, and that’s not problematic—in fact, it can even help make our children become more aware of their mistakes or their need to change certain ways. It becomes problematic if this is our default way of resolving tension or conflict at home. It leaves our children feeling hurt and unheard. It makes them obey us not out of love and respect, but out of fear. Worse, it can push them to hide things from or lie to us just to avoid the tension. And, when fear becomes the dominant and constant emotion, how can we say we are their safe space?

Consultation. 

Part of developing a healthy relationship with our children is making it a habit to consult them about issues that concern them. In fact, shura or consultation is stressed in Islam. It may not always be about asking and adopting their suggestions, but at least open up to them then ask them how they feel about the topic (say, a change of residence or a shift to homeschooling) and try to address their concerns about it. Consultation can even be about what homeschool subject to do first, or as basic as which breakfast option they prefer—yes, part of our self-care is giving them options that will also make it easy for us to accomplish our goals in mind. Consulting them about these things empower them and make them truly feel that they are part of a family where each member’s voice and feelings are important. It also develops in us the habit of considering their needs even when it comes to issues where we feel there is no need to consult. It may sound funny, but I realized this even more when years ago,  before going to sleep, our four year-old daughter suddenly thanked us for putting extra cups and bowls in the lower kitchen drawers for her. That way, she didn’t have to ask us for help or pull a chair just to get what she needed. She even once expressed her feeling of hurt to a relative when  the latter forgot that there was a kid in the family and mistakenly had all cups and bowls placed on the cupboards.

Conversations Beyond the To-Do List.

In the same way that we feel good to have someone with whom we can share the happenings  in our lives, we need to make our children feel that we are that someone they can talk to not just about assignments and school requirements but more importantly about their experiences, goals, thoughts, and feelings. Not to scare parents, but bullying is becoming more and more common in our society as important values continue to disintegrate. More than ever, we need to make it a habit to check on our children and listen to what they have to say—no matter how hard or painful it may be. Acknowledge and validate how they feel, appreciate their openness, and help them assess what to do next so that they can act accordingly, in shaa Allah. We need to normalize having conversations that go beyond the daily to-do lists. We need to have conversations that truly matter. By normalizing talks about thoughts and emotions, our children will not only learn adaptive coping strategies for mental and emotional health, but will also see us as their support network. This is crucial in order for them to learn which relationships to value and which ones to let go. Having positive relationships at home can help children deal with external challenges. Yes, there will be points in their lives when they’d want to spend more time with their peers but having us as their safe space—coupled with the values we’ve instilled—will also make it easier for them to walk away from those who are not good for their well-being. Remember: those who stay in unhealthy relationships or end up doing self-harm often feel they do not have anyone to turn to.

Communication of Love (Love Languages). 

Related to the previous C, it helps a lot to know that we all have different love languages (as explained by Gary Chapman)—physical touch, words of affirmation, (giving/receiving) gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Our dominant love language may not exactly be the same as our child’s; hence, the need to adjust. By knowing all these languages and striving to make use of them ourselves, we are also training our children to do the same in building their relationships. Moreover, by reflecting on these love languages, we realize that they are actually opportunities to follow the sunnah of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).

Connection with Allah.

Ultimately, striving to become our children’s safe space will boil down to our (and developing our children’s) connection with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. When we revisit our goals and renew our intentions on a regular basis, everything becomes easier to handle. All the other C’s mentioned here, when taken in relation to this C, become a must in our relationships. Yes, challenges will always be present, but knowing that we are doing things for the sake of Allah makes a huge difference. Moreover, in keeping this connection in mind and developing in our children this strong and healthy connection with Him, we are giving them the best gift that we can ever give as parents: the certainty that as long as they continuously develop a good relationship with Allah as they go on with their lives, everything will always turn out fine, in shaa Allah—whether or not we are still around to be their safe space.

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامً

Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the righteous.

Ameen

It can be quite overwhelming to homeschool our children. It’s a buffet of emotions, really—only, we don’t get to pick the emotions. It’s more like they just jump right into our plates! Hence, having a Monthly Kumustahan—where we can talk to the school administrators and teachers to clarify or ask support for certain issues, and connect with and learn from other parents—is truly a welcome “reset” for us all.

Perhaps, having the monthly gathering in person would have a different feel to it, but doing it virtually especially with the ongoing pandemic has a lot of advantages, too. Not only are we able to observe the distancing measures and take a break from wearing masks, virtual gatherings also make it possible for a lot of us to join from our very own homes (and in comfy clothes!), thus saving ourselves from the dreaded traffic and even travel expenses. We also don’t need to worry about where or with whom to leave our children as we can still be with them in the same room—only that they get to busy themselves with their own different activities, Alhamdulillah.

Reflecting on my first Kumustahan experience, one thing was made clear: connection is important. Rightfully so, if I may add. This applies not just to parent-child relations, but also among homeschool parents themselves, and even between school staff and parents.

Parent-child relations. What makes homeschooling more stressful, humbling yet fulfilling is the fact that we are connecting with our beloved ones who’ve been entrusted to us by Allah swt. We cannot help but be emotionally involved. There is this tendency to put pressure on ourselves to do things right or to know everything—maybe it’s like an unspoken “I cannot afford to ‘screw up’ my child’s future” kind of self-pressure! (harhar!) I cannot help but agree with one of the father’s musing that perhaps all of us review or learn the lessons before our session with our kids. I must also admit that even when I have done my review, there are still questions to which I have no answer nor explanation. However, Alhamdulillah we realize that part of homeschooling is helping our children learn that it’s okay if things don’t turn out right the first time even when we’ve given our best because only Allah is Perfect and All-Powerful, and that it’s normal not to know everything because only Allah is All-Knowing. We realize that showing this imperfect side of ours doesn’t diminish our children’s love and admiration for us (nope, not one bit—and Alhamdulillah for that!). Rather, it deepens the mutual connection even more as our kids learn that it’s fine to find themselves in the same situation their parents/guardians were in earlier, and that it is safe to ask questions or express their fears to us, trusting that we understand them (because we’re basically the same imperfect, continuously learning beings) and that we will be there to help them, in shaa Allah. It deepens our connection as we learn to model patience and love for learning while trying to make things just the right amount of serious, interesting, and fun for them, then seeing them succeed and grow, maa shaa Allah, subhanAllah. Connection, indeed, is important as we move from the playful approach to a more structured, focused one while they level up. By investing in this connection, we find our kids trusting and listening to our instructions, rules, and recommendations more and more (and even acknowledging their lapses and apologizing when they fail to follow, in shaa Allah).

Connection also plays an important role in our relationship with our other children who are not homeschooling, and even in sibling relationships. Healthy connections are needed to help a family work as a team. And bidirectionally, working as a team helps deepen our connections as this also becomes a great opportunity for us to express our appreciation for their help while highlighting family essentials like love, trust, compassion, patience, forgiveness, and brotherhood, in shaa Allah. In shaa Allah, our children learn to help us and one another not because they ‘have to’ but because they ‘want to’, because they care for our family.

Homeschool parents/guardians. Admit it or not, sometimes there’s this “what am I doing?” or “am I making any sense?” moment which we think only happens to us but connecting with other parents changes this perception. The load suddenly feels lighter when you find a community of parents or guardians who are going through the same doubts, tears, fears, and joys, Alhamdulillah. Our why’s for deciding to homeschool come back. Also, in listening to their struggles and formulae for homeschooling success (perhaps sharing ours as well), we feel recharged and inspired in turn. We learn new strategies and look forward to implementing them ourselves. We are also reminded that we are all parents-in-progress—that it’s okay to take things slowly but steadfastly, in shaa Allah. We find ourselves cheering on and comforting one another—even with a simple virtual thumbs up or clap, Alhamdulillah.

School-parent relations. While homeschooling can be done without enrolling in an accredited school, we must admit that things become a lot easier by doing so because the school takes care of the submission of our children’s records to the Department or Ministry of Education. Not only that, with the right school (I say ‘right’ because some schools unintentionally make you feel left on your own due to their difficult-to-reach support staff), we find the much-needed support from teachers to tackle topics that we find difficult or confusing. They can also make resources available which helps us identify or narrow down what to use for our own children. (Honestly, there’s so much information out there that it can be quite overwhelming when deciding where to start and what to use!) Connecting with the right school addresses these issues because they guide us through each step while also providing much needed psychosocial support such as monthly gatherings or webinars, Alhamdulillah.

Times are tough, indeed; but through caring connections, we continue to grow and learn that we can actually thrive—in fact, we already are, Alhamdulillahi Rabbi’l ‘Alameen.

 رَبَّنَا آتِنَا مِنْ لَدُنْكَ رَحْمَةً وَهَيِّئْ لَنَا مِنْ أَمْرِنَا رَشَدًا

Rabbanaaa aatinaa mil-ladunka rahmatanw-wa haiyi’ lanaa min amrinaa rashadaa

(Our Lord! Bestow on us mercy from Yourself, and facilitate for us our affair in the right way!)

Ameen.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

This is a question all of us answered at one or several points during our childhood. But, whenever I hear the above question now, what actually comes to mind first (as it has for over 16 years now) is the reply of our kindergartener neighbor whom I interviewed together with her twin brother for a speech pathology course I was taking then. Instead of ‘be’, however, I asked them what they wanted to ‘do’ when they grow up just to make sure they could still give me an answer even if they didn’t know what to call someone who holds a certain job.

“Gusto kong mag-walis.” (“I want to sweep”)

I smiled but I thought she didn’t understand my question, hence, I repeated it while citing some examples of what people do as their profession. I still got the same answer. At that point, I wanted to know more why.

“Masaya.” (“Fun”) That’s all she said with her smile.

Alhamdulillah, I was able to have a little chat with their mom after the interview so I took the opportunity to ask if she had any idea why their little girl wanted to sweep when she grows up. She looked clueless at first, then came a soft laugh as she explained to me that her kids often watch her every morning as she cleans and sweeps their garden while she sings to her heart’s content. At times, she would sing songs that would make them laugh or dance. MashaAllah tabarakallah.

That day, more than transcripts for my speech patho class, I came home with a truth that has often helped me reset myself as a parent now…

For a lot of parents, the current COVID-19 pandemic has given us additional tasks that can be quite overwhelming given our already full daily schedules prior to this global challenge. Aside from constantly and strictly cleaning our homes and immediate surroundings, most of us suddenly found ourselves as instant teachers to our new homeschoolers. Not to mention the worries about our economic stability as companies and businesses struggle to stay afloat, and the news about our families and friends’ health. Whether we know it or not, there is this self-imposed pressure to make sure that everything is going right, that everything is going as planned. As a result, we often find ourselves feeling tired, anxious, and yes, even losing patience with our children more easily.

What do we want to be when we grow up?

I am definitely sure none of us wanted to be someone who’d be juggling so many roles in a day, right? Yet, here we are. Parent one moment, employee the next. Sibling or child as we sort out some family matters before assuming the teacher role again when we face our little kids. The moment we leave our offices (or is it even before?), we shift from boss to spouse mode as we call to check if anything is needed at the grocery. The list of roles goes on. And, admittedly, we can find ourselves losing our purpose along the many shifts in a day that seem redundant and draining. We can find ourselves focused too much on making sure everything will go as planned that the fun, the joy, in doing what we’re doing is lost.

Breathe. Relax. Say, “Alhamdulillah.”

Yes, it is normal to want things to go as planned. Yes, it is normal to want everything to be right–especially now that we’re facing challenges. However, we also need to remember to hold on to the meaning, to the purpose, to the joy of living–not just for ourselves, but also for the little ones who look up to us and who learn from us how to handle life’s challenges.

“Gusto kong mag-walis.” “Masaya.”

I cannot help but imagine her admiring her mom with all of her heart and soul as she watched her gracefully clean their garden. The mother sings, then their eyes meet, then lips curl into smiles, and before you know it, there’s laughter and dancing. A seemingly ‘boring’ chore is held with so much value and wonder because of how it was being done and how it brought happiness, mashaAllah.

Time to ask ourselves: How are we executing our roles? What values and life skills are reflected in how we lead our lives? What’s our default settings for each role? What are we imparting to our children?

I know this is easier said than done. I know it is difficult to stay positive as we move from one role to another, especially because some roles are a lot harder than expected. However, there is also this truth that will always help us go back to fulfilling our roles positively:

We may have a basket of roles, but all these roles are held together by one role (think of it as the basket)–that of being a servant of Allah swt. Servant of Allah, Alhamdulillah. Do we feel blessed knowing that we could’ve been some other creation yet Allah willed that we’d be among mankind? Do we find our hearts thanking Him a thousand times over for allowing us to be Muslims? If yes, how is this gratefulness translated into action as we serve Him as a parent, as a boss or an employee, as a sibling, as a child, as a cousin or friend, and so many more? What are we teaching our children as servants of The Almighty?

Yes, it is normal to want everything to go as planned, but may we never forget to execute the plans with the right intentions and actions–always that of a servant of Allah swt, in shaa Allah. Afterall, intentions and actions are what we have; the outcome will always be His. Tawakkul, remember? To do our best in everything, then leave it all to Allah swt.

Servant of Allah. One who is blessed during both good and challenging times. One on whom Allah will never place a burden that is more than what s/he can bear. One whose heart is at ease knowing that Allah has control over our destiny. Servant of Allah. May we find our hearts smiling over this realization and find ourselves fulfilling our daily roles with patience and positivity. Ameen.

Allahumma Rabbana atina fid-dunya hasanah wa fil akhirati hasanah 

wa qina ‘adhabannar

(O, our Lord! Grant us good in this world, good in the hereafter and save us from the punishment of the fire)

Ameen.