November 2020 will mark the 28th observance of the National Children’s Month with the Department of Education joining the Council for the Welfare of Children and other government agencies in this event, in shaa Allah. As the nation observes National Children’s Month, let’s take this as an opportunity to reflect on our role as duty-bearers. After all, to have children is not just a blessing, but more importantly a responsibility and a test for us believers. Our children have been entrusted to us by Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala; hence, it is important to constantly ask ourselves, “How are we protecting this trust?”
One thing that has often been overlooked, or given less attention, in parenting is how we, parents, become our children’s safe space. We’re often focused on working hard towards meeting their basic physiological and academic needs that we tend to forget that equally important is their need to feel emotionally safe and secure. We’ve touched a little on this topic when we talked about parent-child relations in our previous post, Caring Connections. Here, we’ll be presenting some C’s to consider as we try to become our children’s safe space, especially in our ever-changing and ever-challenging society.
Caring for and Checking Ourselves
To constantly care for ourselves is a must if we want to raise healthy children. Aside from our children copying our lifestyles and worldviews, we also need to be aware that the challenges we face that do not get addressed (e.g, lack of sleep, health problems, worries, suppressed emotions) affect how we treat our children. More often than not, children are at the receiving end of all these stressors–it is on them that we tend to displace all our anxieties and frustrations. Thus, there is a need to commit ourselves to caring for and protecting our own well-being. This does not, however, mean that we have to wait for ourselves to be 100% okay or problem-free before we deal with our children—realistically, there is no such thing, right? (Whether we’re having a good day or not, our children will need us.) What self-care means is acknowledging how we feel, exhaling it in a healthy way, and finding ways to adaptively cope—which definitely includes taking occasional pauses within the day to do what personally re-energizes us, sharing how we feel to those whom we trust, asking for and accepting help.
Still related to ourselves, another important routine is to do self-checks:
Check if our actions are connected to our individual and family goals. Remember: the challenges will often change, but as long as our why’s are clear, it becomes easier for us to come up with and implement our plan of actions to address the challenges.
Check if we are communicating the right values. We often talk about character as being more important, but how do we show this in our daily lives? How do we handle our own children’s academic weaknesses and limitations? Check if we are not letting our children inherit wrong values or ways that we wanted to change in the first place.
Check our default settings, I often say. For instance, we may not be able to avoid raising our voices or saying “No! (period!)” at times, and that’s not problematic—in fact, it can even help make our children become more aware of their mistakes or their need to change certain ways. It becomes problematic if this is our default way of resolving tension or conflict at home. It leaves our children feeling hurt and unheard. It makes them obey us not out of love and respect, but out of fear. Worse, it can push them to hide things from or lie to us just to avoid the tension. And, when fear becomes the dominant and constant emotion, how can we say we are their safe space?
Consultation.
Part of developing a healthy relationship with our children is making it a habit to consult them about issues that concern them. In fact, shura or consultation is stressed in Islam. It may not always be about asking and adopting their suggestions, but at least open up to them then ask them how they feel about the topic (say, a change of residence or a shift to homeschooling) and try to address their concerns about it. Consultation can even be about what homeschool subject to do first, or as basic as which breakfast option they prefer—yes, part of our self-care is giving them options that will also make it easy for us to accomplish our goals in mind. Consulting them about these things empower them and make them truly feel that they are part of a family where each member’s voice and feelings are important. It also develops in us the habit of considering their needs even when it comes to issues where we feel there is no need to consult. It may sound funny, but I realized this even more when years ago, before going to sleep, our four year-old daughter suddenly thanked us for putting extra cups and bowls in the lower kitchen drawers for her. That way, she didn’t have to ask us for help or pull a chair just to get what she needed. She even once expressed her feeling of hurt to a relative when the latter forgot that there was a kid in the family and mistakenly had all cups and bowls placed on the cupboards.
Conversations Beyond the To-Do List.
In the same way that we feel good to have someone with whom we can share the happenings in our lives, we need to make our children feel that we are that someone they can talk to not just about assignments and school requirements but more importantly about their experiences, goals, thoughts, and feelings. Not to scare parents, but bullying is becoming more and more common in our society as important values continue to disintegrate. More than ever, we need to make it a habit to check on our children and listen to what they have to say—no matter how hard or painful it may be. Acknowledge and validate how they feel, appreciate their openness, and help them assess what to do next so that they can act accordingly, in shaa Allah. We need to normalize having conversations that go beyond the daily to-do lists. We need to have conversations that truly matter. By normalizing talks about thoughts and emotions, our children will not only learn adaptive coping strategies for mental and emotional health, but will also see us as their support network. This is crucial in order for them to learn which relationships to value and which ones to let go. Having positive relationships at home can help children deal with external challenges. Yes, there will be points in their lives when they’d want to spend more time with their peers but having us as their safe space—coupled with the values we’ve instilled—will also make it easier for them to walk away from those who are not good for their well-being. Remember: those who stay in unhealthy relationships or end up doing self-harm often feel they do not have anyone to turn to.
Communication of Love (Love Languages).
Related to the previous C, it helps a lot to know that we all have different love languages (as explained by Gary Chapman)—physical touch, words of affirmation, (giving/receiving) gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Our dominant love language may not exactly be the same as our child’s; hence, the need to adjust. By knowing all these languages and striving to make use of them ourselves, we are also training our children to do the same in building their relationships. Moreover, by reflecting on these love languages, we realize that they are actually opportunities to follow the sunnah of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).
Connection with Allah.
Ultimately, striving to become our children’s safe space will boil down to our (and developing our children’s) connection with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. When we revisit our goals and renew our intentions on a regular basis, everything becomes easier to handle. All the other C’s mentioned here, when taken in relation to this C, become a must in our relationships. Yes, challenges will always be present, but knowing that we are doing things for the sake of Allah makes a huge difference. Moreover, in keeping this connection in mind and developing in our children this strong and healthy connection with Him, we are giving them the best gift that we can ever give as parents: the certainty that as long as they continuously develop a good relationship with Allah as they go on with their lives, everything will always turn out fine, in shaa Allah—whether or not we are still around to be their safe space.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامً
Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the righteous.
Ameen